[This Dazed and Confused contribution is adapted from a letter I wrote to a personal friend after she asked me for advice regarding a challenging family relationship. In this case, the family member was a sister; however, this conscious, interactive approach (while dealing with others) could apply to any challenging relationship, whether it be another kind of family member or close friend.

I send LOVE & PRAYERS Your Way.  Keep the Faith …. Always, Crystal Claire Waters]

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Dear Jane,

I’ve thought a great deal about your situation …. It mirrors my own relationship, the one I have with someone within my own family. After many years of struggle and suffering, I’ve come to the conclusion that when one holds resentment toward another, one is bound to that person (energetically) by an emotional link that is stronger than steel.

Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and attain/maintain true freedom. In other words, to forgive is to set the prisoner free … and then you discover, to wondrous surprise, that the prisoner was you.

I’m not saying that this is easy …. keep in mind, most of all, that you are proclaiming the act of forgiveness for yourself …. as a declaration of personal independence and personal power. Also, remember that sincere forgiveness isn’t colored with expectations that the other person apologize or change. Don’t worry about whether or not your sister finally understands you. Life has an innate way of feeding back the raw truth to everyone in its own unique style and time.

There are those that I call the “asleep” people, the ones who just don’t get it; ultimately, the “asleep” people neither forgive nor forget and it is up to us to simply forgive them and then move on with our lives while making every effort to do no harm to them in reciprocation (avoiding cruelty or animosity at all costs) …. even as we consciously protect ourselves from their negative energies or behavior.

We owe it to ourselves to find that balance. Sadly, sometimes that means an ongoing, conscious commitment to withdraw (with compassionate fortitude) from the “asleep” person who continues to wound us.

Such is the case regarding my own situation; for me, the decision to withdraw became one of self-preservation as my family member spiraled further down into drug addiction and other kinds of selfish behavior.

The naive among us forgive and forget, and that is not good either. The wise, however, forgive but do not forget. The bottom-line in all of this is the idea of INTENTION … decide what that is (regarding your intent) for you and your best and highest good. Then, when you are ready, make the unconditional commitment to reach your most important goals.

If your sister is not one of those who we would categorize as “asleep”, and the strength of your decision is sufficient enough, you will find the way (and the loving power) to achieve your goal (whatever that may be) including a healthy, functional relationship with her, one that is more satisfying and mutually supportive.

When all is said and done, the only LOVE worth having is unconditional. When it comes to family, this is the hardest lesson of all since we don’t get to choose our family (though some wise sages say we chose before birth) like we do our spouse or friends. The ultimate challenge of this earthly “journey” with our family is to realize that they are here to teach US who we really are.

If you are willing to look deeply into your own nature, if you are willing to peel away the layers of “not-self” you have adopted in making your way through the tribulations of life, you will hopefully find that your true self, and your sister’s, are not as far removed as you may think.

Whatever games are played with us, we must play no games with ourselves. I agree with one of my psychology teachers who said, “The biggest challenge we all have is to over-ride the three-year-old child that lives within each of us, the inner child who tries to take over our emotional response, especially in stressful situations.”

Perhaps your initial goal could be dedicated to helping your sister (and yourself) to find your way back to mutual respect, even if only at the most basic of levels. In this regard, it might help to set some firm ground rules, the biggest one being a CODE WORD that either of you could say when things start to feel uncomfortable …. or if either of you feels yourself getting upset or angry, or if your “pain body” (yours or your sister’s) or the “inner 3-year-old” that WE ALL struggle with tries to take over the situation.

If either sister utters this CODE WORD, each of you keeps a previous promise and unwavering commitment to IMMEDIATELY (quietly and calmly) separate from one another until the time feels right to try again to interact. It’s important to note that such a time frame cannot be forced. However, I’d recommend that you try not to let it go longer than a week or two before you try again.

When the two of you do come back together, I recommend a non-accusatory “When you do such-and-such or say such-and such (fill in the blank), it makes me feel (fill in the blank)”.

I think that both of you will discover that underneath the anger lies hurt and confusion …. underneath the frustration lies fear and loneliness …. underneath the stubbornness lies the fear of rejection and alienation, and more.

Erma Bombeck stated it best when she wrote: “The FAMILY …. we are a strange little band of characters trudging through life sharing diseases and toothpaste, coveting one another’s desserts, hiding shampoo, borrowing money, locking each other out of our homes, inflicting pain and then kissing to heal it in the same instant, loving, laughing, defending, and trying to figure out the common thread that bound us all together in the first place.”

Family quarrels have a total bitterness unmatched by any other kind of disagreement between human beings. Yet, it sometimes happens that they also have a kind of “tang”, a pleasantness beneath the unpleasantness, a core truth based on the tacit understanding that this is not for keeps …. that any limb you climb out on will still be there later when you decide to climb back and return to the family fold, a guarantee sealed in blood.

Perhaps, God’s Divine Plan is offering you the opportunity to “climb back” to safety and to LOVE. I encourage you to always take the chance on unconditional love …. never forgetting that whatever is reflected back to you gains strength over time. As George Moore poetically put it: “A (wo)man travels the world over in search of what (s)he needs, and returns home to find it.”

It is absolutely fine with me if you choose to share this letter with your sister or anyone else. (In fact, it might be a good starting place for your first meeting with her.)

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“Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some people move our souls to dance. They awaken us to a new understanding with the passing whisper of their wisdom. Some people make the sky more beautiful to gaze upon. They stay in our lives for awhile, leave footprints on our hearts, and we are never, ever the same.” Flavia Weedn